Originally written January 30, 2014
It’s the 30th of January 2014. You would have turned 67 today. Seeing as it’s your birthday I figure today’s a great day to write you another letter and tell you how things are.
You obviously know I went home for your funeral. Lawl. Apparently I learnt well from you in not telling people about my going and coming. Although I don’t think I can ever be at your level, because I ended up telling a few friends. I did tell Gbenga not to tell Mummy or Bussie or anybody else. Mummy practically broke my heart when after screaming my name and we hugged she started crying. Mummy Tobi, Aunty Toyin and one other lady in addition to Bussie eventually calmed her down and then couldn’t stop commenting on how striking the resemblance between us is.
I actually thought going home would shake me, Daddy, but it didn’t. For some strange reason, when I saw your body at the mortuary the peace I had remained solid. I thought that would bring the tears, but it didn’t. I realised that was simply your body there, not you. My belief that you live on, in each of us made me actually smile while I looked at you dressed in one of your awesomely embroidered outfits. Even at home during the lying in state all I could do was marvel at how at peace your body looked.
This isn’t what I planned to write to you today. I actually planned on remembering you; your legacy, your training, your advice, your stories, your laughter, your mischief, the things you did that pissed me off, the things you did that made me proud. Everything. But you know what, I’ve done that every single day since you passed. I remember you every day, and it is by living each day at a time and keeping myself grounded in God’s peace that I am not overrun. I will say this about the trip back home though, it made the fact that I will never again see you become very clear to me. I will never again hear your voice, or your laughter. I will never again hear you tell a story. I will never again hear you sing. I will never again see you dance. Realising that hurt. A. LOT.
I’m happy that when I left the tension between us had reduced for the most part. I know I was VERY stubborn from about the period when I got the car right until I left. I know you know it wasn’t because I was disrespecting you, it was because I needed you to understand that you had done a great job in raising us, and I needed you to cut me some slack and allow me do certain things. Now, I have no choice but to show you that what I believed was true. The only way to do that will be to live my life to the fullest, by God’s grace.
God is with us Daddy. He’s been with us from day one, and I believe He will continue to be with us. He sent family, and friends and He blessed us immensely through them. Thus, I know He’ll take care of everything; Mummy, Afrikarts, the house…everything. There’s a lot that needs to be done, it won’t be easy, but we’ll make it through. Gbenga has been beyond amazing. He’s carried so much on his shoulders, I feel so ashamed to not be able to help him. But I guess finishing excellently here is my own contribution for now. Bussie has also been wonderful too. Mummy is in very good hands. She’s also doing great herself. She’s a lot stronger than she’s given credit for. She continues to text me prayers. When we spoke today, she said she went with Gbenga to your graveside; I wish I could have been there with them. I should call or message Sister Tope more often though. I haven’t done enough in that regard.
As for school, things are going great. Now that my funding for this year at least is sorted I can REALLY face my work. I’m caught up more or less on the work I missed while I was away. I’m looking forward to the semester because once again I’m doing courses that I like and I feel will benefit me immensely with what I plan on doing. I’m going to apply to the business school for the dual degree program. I hope that works out. All in all, I’m grateful to God that I’m here and I know He who has sorted me out thus far, will finish all that concerns me.
I miss you Daddy. I don’t know if that’ll ever change. I know one day the tears will come. I suppose I will welcome them when they do. I do know that when the pain comes, focusing on all the things I’m grateful for about your life helps me keep going. Ultimately, the fact that you believed Christ as your Lord and Saviour is my greatest joy and the reason why I will never despair. I pray that I will live my life like my faith in Him dictates, so that one day we will meet in heaven. I love you Daddy; even if I almost choked the day I tried to say it when I was younger. I think I ended up just mumbling it. Lawl. Really though, I love you Daddy. And I’m proud that I am your son. I won’t ever get tired of saying that.
So, till the next time I write to you, take care Daddy. Keep watching down on us and enjoying God’s sense of humour which you always talked about. See you later.